I cannot quite grasp that she is not here. I half expect to come home in December to her waiting for me with open arms realizing that these past 12-16 months were mysteriously just a nightmare or some crude joke. Despite that these last 16 months have been horrible, a true nightmare realized, I try and adopt an attitude that can be summarized by an album title, “When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint that Shit Gold” (Atmosphere). It is hard to imagine how one could figuratively paint anything even close to gold with something so sour as the death of a parent, and such a great parent my mom was. Still, I know that she would want for me, for us, to continue trying to enjoy life, as difficult as it may be.
This is what I have been trying to keep in mind while in Chile. Many of you probably know that I was originally going to go to Chile last year until I canceled the trip when my mom got sick. The day that my mom found out she had cancer, the first thing she said to me when I walked in the house, while giving me a big hug, was that she didn’t want to ruin my trip to Chile. Obviously I didn’t care the least bit about going to Chile then—it was the last thing on my mind at the time. But she did care. In a very characteristic and selfless way, mom continued expressing more concern for others than she did for herself, despite that she had just received pretty grave news about her own health.
Now that it has been a year, we have to ask ourselves what she would want us to be doing, as there is no better way to honor someone than to fulfill their wishes when they are no longer here. I think this year she would have wanted me to take up this opportunity and to try and make the most of it. This is what I’m trying to do here—take those lemons and try and make something good of them. Some days I’m somewhat successful, others not so much, but the least one can do is try, it’s what she would have wanted.
The following photo was taken during memorial day weekend while camping about a week before we found out it was cancer. My mom would probably be upset with me for putting a picture of her in her pajamas on my blog for all of you to see, but I really like this picture. Forgive me mom!
I’ll post again soon to keep people up to date on what I’ve been doing the past three weeks.
2 comments:
To say that she is missed would be a complete understatement. The emptiness that is inside can't be filled, no matter how hard one tries. Yet as the days go on, life keeps moving forward.
She would want life to move forward.
It is moving forward without her that is so lonely.
She wouldn't want it to be... It just is.
Sometimes when the pain and sadness almost feels unbearable, calmness comes.
She is there, she has to be there... helping move us along.
She is proud of you Jimmy. She knows what you are doing... what you are experiencing... without you even trying to tell her.
You are a wonderful young man.
She is proud, proud, proud.
Thanks for the Aunt Mary blog. We all miss her. I think of her so much. She is in all our hearts.
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